I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.


Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.


I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld


i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.


Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?