I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

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Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.


She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]


Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there’s a drought. The ocean is right there. You’re just lazy.


Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.


My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.


Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!


One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.


If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.


Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.