@portmanteauface

I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

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@kellysdf

Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.

@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

@Elizasoul80

Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there’s a drought. The ocean is right there. You’re just lazy.

@usermcuserface

Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@Marlebean

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

@leechee420

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

@vedantm_

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

@SamDelanche

Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.