Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street