date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Oh boy, $150,000!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.