I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
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thanks auntie mary
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
estão todos miauvindo?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
ok this is my dumbest yet
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
ok like just. call me at this point
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!