@FatherWithTwins

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

@gradeaclown

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do?

me: I give out free drugs

@robfee

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

@RelatableJoke

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

@Gupton68

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@saltssaltgirl

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.