I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.


gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs


gf’s dad: what do you do?

me: I give out free drugs


The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof


*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*


I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.


I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.


Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no


#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris


What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken


If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.