I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My beach vacation Google searches
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year