I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”