I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
*cough*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars