I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
found this cool rock hiking today
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*skinny dips into black hole
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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