@WheelTod

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

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@audipenny

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

@Mom_Overboard

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

@SuperApple80

The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

@realHamOnWry

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.