I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body


The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.


Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!


The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.


– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people


I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.


If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?


Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.