Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.