Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”
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Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
The Sun’s probably Asian.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…