@jake_lach

-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”

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@WheelTod

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you

@Mrs_JGplus3

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

@UncleDuke1969

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

@Pumpkinbabypie

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

@JDBooie

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

@dog_feelings

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

@KarenReneK

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…