I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I know karate and tons of other words.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.