I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?
Sir have some respect this is a funeral.
When #WasteHisTime2016 backfires on you
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’m trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.