I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.