I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Hamburger Hinderer.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Pizza is an emotion right?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!