I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?