People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*performs CPR on the turkey*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Breaking news:
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…