I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.

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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.


I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.


I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.


support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas


[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.


There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.


My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.