@Nahdude83

I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.

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@david8hughes

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

@BurbidgeJames

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@LittleMissAngr1

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

@TheBoydP

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

@daniellebyers

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

@Home_Halfway

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

@SteveCarell

Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”

@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

@Adam14

I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.