I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?