I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Optional boss fight.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.