I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
thanksgiving in nutshell
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined