I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.