I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
You Might Also Like
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load