I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.