I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
You Might Also Like
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it