I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
dam girl
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex