interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]