@bees_wingz

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

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@clichedout

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

@SortaBad

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

@aveuaskew

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

@Fred_Delicious

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@JuanLikeHell

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*