I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

You Might Also Like


interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay


How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes


Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.


“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]


Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
6-8pm: frozen


Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now


It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.


*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island


First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*