@MyNameIsArchaic

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

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@CAshmanActor

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

@furrrizzle

Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

@PhilJamesson

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

@dave_cactus

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

@BunAndLeggings

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click