I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?