Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
🤣
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
umm…
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.