I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.


I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.


Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”


Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.


I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.


When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.


As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.