@OctopusCaveman

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

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@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@snarkweek7

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

@Kendragarden

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

@zaktoscani

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@KrazykurtKurt

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

@Parker_Simpson

Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@HomeWithPeanut

As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.