@mollzbenn

I was using a q-tip and went in too deep in my ear, and now I can’t do math.

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@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@Michael1979

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@LizHackett

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

@lecalabara

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

@wickedsuga

I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.