I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid