agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
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Print is alive and well!!!
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Wednesday
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars