I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.