I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”


”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day


Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.


A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.


you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter


Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.