I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
That’s classic.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!