Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
the dark web is just a goth google.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
When your man makes a valid point
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
i baked you a cake
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works