Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol