her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
ME: So college is a no then?!
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Her: I like bad boys
Me: I break the law sometimes
Her: ooooh which one?
Me: *from ceiling* gravity
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!
Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?