@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

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@PrestoVision

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@sixfootcandy

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

@vineyille

My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order

@sofarrsogud

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

@alyssalimp

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

@noodlegrip

Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity

@Book_Krazy

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

@daddydoubts

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

@gregreckons

Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?