Don’t worry. Nobody else wants Sharona.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…