@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

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@SwedishCanary

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

@BlakWidowBarbee

Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.

@rn_murse

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

@Invisichad

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…