I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market