I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Pandas 🐼🖤
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”