I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Lmaoo 😂
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?