Ma’am, step through again
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I hate when my wife says “GO WAIT IN THE CAR” because I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or the kids.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?