If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that