Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.
#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.
Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
M: 4 glasses
M: Yes, please
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon