@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

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@Swain_Train47

Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

@DannyZuker

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

@CelticMoonDance

I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.

@tsm560

I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested

@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.