I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Bro what is this
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats