I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

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Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.


Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.


JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola



I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.


[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him


I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.


I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested


Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.