Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.
Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
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[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]
Me: *just throwing puppies at her
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?
Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.