@Bob_Janke

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

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@food_shoes_life

Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.

@DaddyJew

[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]

Me: *just throwing puppies at her

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@weismanjake

One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

@notalogin

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@notthenanny

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

@squirrel74wkgn

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

@IntrovertSquad

Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?

Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.