I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Yes my dude
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.