@Genos_Steaks

I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

@phoebe_bridgers

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

@CodyJP9412

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

@El_nacho_Nigre

So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

@sacca

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.