I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.