I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”