I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

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Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.


Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.


I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.


[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife


If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.


We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.


Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…


What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?


Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”