@meghaffer

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

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@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@DJRotaryRachel

Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.

@Contwixt

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

@Ygrene

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

@TheDailySchmuck

If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

@thepaulahunt

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@heytherecore

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”