Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself