@louisvirtel

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

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@jordan_stratton

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

@sweetmomissa

I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.

@JohnLyonTweets

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

@OBiiieeee

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@EricaWhoToYou

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

@DrunkMrWonka

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.