I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
new record!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.