I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
6. me as a lawyer
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
dads on road-trips be like
Fluff me with a fork baby
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.