I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Thursday
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
This a good idea
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.