*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”
I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!
I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.