I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.