@GianDoh

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

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@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@ShortSleeveSuit

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”

@LosLos__

I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that

THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!

@TheMichaelRock

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.