I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I found your tweet-up…
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again